Meet Miss J

Last night was extremely hard for me. It was the first time I met Miss J.

Mr. J texted me while I was at work and asked if he could get dressed for the evening. I swear he is extremely excited that he can now dress anytime he pleases, almost more excited than going to the lake! I never dreamed that anything would bring him more joy than being at the lake, so I was curious. I told him that was fine. I mean it is going to happen at some point, right? I was apprehensive and eager at the same time to finally meet Miss J.

I really didn’t know what to expect. He showed me a couple selfies he took when he was dressed, but that did not prepare me for the feelings I felt or what happened.

When I got home, Miss J met me at the door. At first, I was stunned. I couldn’t even bring myself to let my eyes wander. I immediately felt like I was staring and making things uncomfortable. What do you say to her? I know I like to hear people call me beautiful and pretty, but is that what you say? I think the best I came up with was, “Wow, your hair is blonde.” (Mr. J’s hair is normally dark brown.) I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do.

Looking back on the evening, the worst part about the whole experience was how awkward we both were. It wasn’t seeing her dressed up (even though that was really…different). I didn’t know what to say and she didn’t know what to do. I felt like we were on a bad first date. Do you remember those extremely awkward middle school dates where your boyfriend comes over and you guys sit 10 feet away from each other on the couch watching TV, not saying a word? That is what I felt like. It was so hard. I just sat there wondering what happened to my boyfriend of over a year. Did we really ever have chemistry? Should we be trying to make this work? Will we ever be able to get back to where we were a month ago?

It was all very overwhelming.

When it came time to go to bed, she wanted to sleep dressed up. I don’t know why but adding the wig and makeup is a lot harder for me than seeing Mr. J in women’s clothes. I tried to just roll over and let her enjoy being dressed up, but i couldn’t hold it in anymore. I started crying. I couldn’t make it stop, I knew I was hurting Miss J’s feelings, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I forced myself to get up and go to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor with my back against the door trying to sort through my feelings. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering me most about the experience. Was it seeing her dressed? Was it the makeup? Was it the wig? Why in the world did I just start crying out of nowhere? Was I about to start my period? Geez! I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, and then it hit me.

I was worried that I had lost Mr. J completely. The night was awkward to say the least. Our conversation didn’t come easy. My presence seemed to make her nervous. Everything about the night was weird, new and unpleasant. I felt like I was going to have to start completely over with Miss J to figure out how to act in the future. It scared the hell out of me. It almost felt like I was mourning the loss of Mr. J while trying to fall in love with Miss J. How is that possible? Will I ever be able to do that?

I am still trying to sort through my feelings, but I have to say that I am extremely glad I met Miss J.

xoxo

– Lady A

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Shopping!

I have to say that one of the best things that happened to me since Mr. J told me his secret is the SHOPPING!

In the past, I would never ask him to go shopping with me. He always made it seem like a chore, and I didn’t want to burden him with it. Typically, I would go shopping and just make him sit through a fashion show when I got home. I have to admit it is kind of crazy how things have changed!

As you can imagine, it caught me off guard when Miss J asked me to go shopping with her. She wanted to replace her extensive wardrobe (she threw it out when we moved in together because she thought the urge to dress up would go away if she had a relationship like ours to make her happy). Mr. J hasn’t decided to announce Miss J to the public, so I was a little confused by her request. Did she want to dress up to go to the mall? Or would she just go with me as Mr. J? How does this work? How will it feel shopping with Miss J? How will people treat us in public? Am I ready for this?

I was spared the lengthy internal battle because she decided to go as Mr. J.

Side note: I grew up in a tiny town. When I say tiny, I mean 3 stoplights and cows in your backyard, tiny. We now live in a large city near the small town that I grew up in, so I always see people I know when we go out. Especially at the mall closest to our house. It just so happens to be the mall closest to my tiny hometown as well. So the decision was made for Miss J because she isn’t ready for our family and friends to know about her.

Back to the shopping! We went everywhere! I was so excited to help her pick out “passable” (that’s the right term, correct? Am I using that wrong?) outfits that I didn’t buy much of anything. Another side note: I always come home with tons of shopping bags. When I decide that I have money to spend on clothes, I go crazy.

I introduced her to Charming Charlie’s. If you haven’t discovered this amazing place, you need to Google them right now. They are an accessory store that sells necklaces, bracelets, earrings, rings, bags, shoes, and more. You name it, you can probably find it there. And the best part is that the store is color-coded. If you are looking for a blue necklace to match your white top, you go to the blue section. If you can’t tell, I am absolutely obsessed with this store. And let me tell you, Miss J is a HUGE fan now.

I thought that we would only go to a store or 2, she would get bored and want to leave. Definitely not the case! We shopped all day. I had a great time. When I asked her how I looked in an outfit, I knew she was telling me the truth. I also learned that I need to wear tighter clothes instead of hiding behind my flowy shirts. She told me that some of my clothes look like maternity shirts! Now that is a true friend…but it was weird coming from my boyfriend (girlfriend?).

The hardest part about the trip was liking the same clothes. When I go shopping with my sisters or a friend and we like the same top, we would both buy it. I felt like I couldn’t buy the same things as her. I’m not completely sure why sharing clothes or owning the same top is weird to me, but I guess that is something I will have to learn to get over. Is that common? It isn’t because I don’t like her style because she has great style. She wears clothes that are sensual, classy, feminine and borderline trashy all at the same time. She has nailed that balance! So why does that bother me? I guess that will be another post for another day…

I have to say that this was a great first experience. If it continues like this, I think I can handle this 🙂

xoxo

– Lady A

 

Day 1

Day 1:

It has been only 18 hours since I found out. I still don’t understand what I am feeling. I go through emotional cycles. One minute I feel optimistic about what the future holds for both of us, and the next I feel a huge weight on my chest along with anger and betrayal toward him. I don’t know what to think. I have 900 bajillion questions going through my head. How do you even organize them? Which ones are offensive? Can I ask all of them? How many will he answer? There is only one question that could be a deal breaker for both of us:

Will you ever want to transition completely?

I don’t know how to ask him this question. I don’t know how to explain to him what I am thinking without hurting his feelings. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman. I can handle dressing up once in a while, but I don’t think I can handle it full-time. Right now he says that he goes through phases. What happens when he truly accepts this part of him and stops feeling ashamed? Is that what is supposed to happen? Am I selfish to never want that? Am I selfish to only want him to do it when it is convenient (out of town)?

How is he going to feel when I don’t want to hold his hand in public when he is dressed up? Is that going to hurt? Or will he embrace it? I know that I can hang out with him in public. In college, I would attend gay bars and drag shows to avoid unwanted attention for the night. It was always a blast, but I always went with a group of girls and gay guys. I have never gone with him. I don’t know what to expect.

He says that he isn’t attracted to guys, but will that ever change? How is he going to feel when I reject him while he is fully dressed? Is it bad to say that it repulses me? It is so hard to kiss him like I did before knowing. Then, it was a primal urge that I didn’t want to tame. I wanted his deep kiss to soothe and calm me, to show me he loved me. Now, I can’t help but pull away instinctively. I still love him, but it feels different. I feel like I am kissing my gay best friend. How is it that my attraction to him has almost disappeared?

I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that we have plenty to talk about.

I found a Victoria’s Secret packing slip.

I found a Victoria’s Secret packing slip.

It is as simple as that. I found out my boyfriend was transgender from a Victoria’s Secret packing slip.

Let me give you a little more background…

Mr. J and I were having a bunch of relationship issues. We were constantly fighting about one thing or another. I have a tendency to yell when we are fighting, and he struggles with controlling his emotions when he is angry. This combination lead to some HUGE fights that turned into screaming matches. There was one final fight, and we decided that enough was enough. I planned to move out, and we both were going to take some much needed time apart to regroup and recenter our lives. We both decided that an open-ended break was the best thing for our relationship.

Then I found the Victoria’s Secret packing slip.

I came home one day after work about a week after our final fight and found a packing slip from a package delivered that day. It was from Victoria’s Secret. Naturally, I was curious. It was addressed to Mr. J at our address, and it had been delivered earlier that day. So I put my journalism skills to work. I pulled the order up online to see what was ordered (The box and its contents were nowhere to be found. I scoured the entire house, but didn’t find anything.), and it was a TON of stuff. The worst part was that none of it was my size. I called VS to inquire about the order and was able to find out that the order was placed the day before.

I started freaking out. My mind went there. Mr. J had moved on that quickly and just bought a giant new sexy wardrobe for another woman. I was devastated. Of course Mr. J wasn’t home, so I couldn’t confront him about it. His car was in the driveway, but he was nowhere to be found. I tried calling him, and didn’t get an answer. This is when I started freaking out even more. I was heart broken. His car was at home which means he had to get a ride with someone to leave the house, he wasn’t answering his phone calls or texts, and a VS package was missing from the house. There was only one logical explanation for my situation, or so I thought.

All of this over a Victoria’s Secret packing slip.

When he finally returned my 3 missed calls, he sounded annoyed and irate. I could tell that he wasn’t too happy that I was blowing up his phone. I politely asked where he was, and he responded that he drove a friend to his mechanic to pick up his car. Harmless, right? I breathed a sigh of relief. But I was still curious. So I pushed a little further,

Me: “Did you receive a package today?”
Him: “What are you talking about?”
Me: “You didn’t receive a package that was delivered today?”
Him: “What did you find?”
Me: “Are you going to explain it to me?”
Him: “What did you find?”
Me: “Are you going to tell me or not?”
-Silence-
Me: “I found a VS packing slip. Do you know anything about that?”
Him: “Yes…”
Me: “I called VS and the representative said that it was ordered yesterday and arrived today. It was placed under your name, with your credit card, and delivered to our house.”
Him: “I bought it for you last week before we started fighting.”
Me: “Oh…I thought you had bought it for someone else. Why does it say that the order was placed yesterday?”
Him: “There were some issues with the bank and my billing address, so the order finally went through yesterday.”
Me: “Oh…I’m really sorry, I thought you had moved on already.”

And that was the extent of that conversation. I was devastated. I cried so hard. How could I cause such a big fight with him over not making time for me when he went out of his way to buy me all of that stuff? I felt terrible.

When he got home, I was ready for more questions about how I figured it out. I even expected him to be angry with me for pushing the issue. It wasn’t any of my business. We both decided to take a break. But instead he sat me on the couch and said that he had something to tell me and I couldn’t tell anyone, not my sister or my mother (my family is extremely close. I tell them EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING). So I listened, and that is when I heard something I never dreamed I would hear. “The package was for me.”

Shock. That’s all I felt. What was he talking about? I’m pretty sure I laughed in his face because I thought he was joking. Once I realized that he wasn’t joking, I felt like I was hit by a train. I felt so betrayed, but I couldn’t show him that. I had to stay strong and show him that I appreciated him telling me. I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to tell me. I couldn’t make him feel stupid. It wasn’t fair to him for me to be that close-minded. Plus, I was still processing. One thing I do when I am uncomfortable, I get extremely chatty. And let me tell you, I was extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to react. I kept thinking I was offending him with the stream of questions coming out of my mouth. I think he probably got annoyed that I kept asking him if I was offending him. But damn, I was curious.

Needless to say, at midnight I told him I needed to go to bed. I had to get up the next day and go to work. But mainly, I wanted to research as much as I could about it, and I wanted to find a couples therapist that could help both of us, me with my outbursts and him with his urges (Is that correct? Is that ok to say?).

Stupid Victoria’s Secret packing slip. How did I get here? How did I miss this? How do we move forward?

 

xoxo

– Lady A

About Me

Have you ever tried to find information about what is it like to be the cis in a transgender relationship? It is difficult! There is plenty of information about what your partner is going through and how you can help them deal with it, but the resources are a little lacking on the other side. I wanted to document my experiences (the good, bad and the ugly) to help other women in my situation.

Since this is extremely new to me, please let me know if I am incorrect about anything. I am learning too! If I offend you, bless your heart. I’m just kidding, but please be courteous and respectful. Like I said before, I am learning too! I hope that I can use my experiences to open up communication between other cis women in transgender relationships. I also hope to be enlightened as to how other women have handled their situations such as going shopping, going out with her dressed up, and helping her become more passable.

A little about us…

For all blogs going forward, I will refer to myself as Lady A and my partner as either Mr. J or Miss J depending on the situation. I would like to keep anonymity in our personal lives for some very obvious reasons.

How we met

I met Mr. J at the lake. I grew up in a family that loved water sports and friendly competition. Every weekend since I can remember, my family would pack up and spend the weekend at the lake competing and playing. Now this is probably not the type of “lake weekend” you are thinking about. We love the competitions and extreme water fun. There were many weekends that we didn’t even take time to relax and enjoy the water because there was so much stuff going on. This isn’t exactly what you would call pro-level sports either. Honestly, it is a bunch of men playing with their toys on the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, it is a blast, but it isn’t extremely serious and many do it as a hobby.

This is where I met Mr. J. When I first saw him, he was elbows deep working on the engine of a boat. He was covered in grease from head to toe trying to fix a broken part so he could get out on the lake that afternoon. The first thing I noticed about him was how attractive he was. Later that weekend, we ended up sitting by a campfire at a mutual friend’s house and just talked for hours about everything. I was smitten 🙂

The rest is kind of history. We lived 7 hours apart, so we started a long distance relationship. We both got new jobs, relocated to the same city, and decided to move in together. After more than a year together, here we are. I will save the story of how I found out for another day…

Support

I am using this blog as a way to support people going through what I am going through. I am using it to sort through my feelings and emotions about this new development in my relationship. Feel free to reach out to me. I would love to hear your stories and bond over our experiences.

xoxo

– Lady A