Last night was extremely hard for me. It was the first time I met Miss J.
Mr. J texted me while I was at work and asked if he could get dressed for the evening. I swear he is extremely excited that he can now dress anytime he pleases, almost more excited than going to the lake! I never dreamed that anything would bring him more joy than being at the lake, so I was curious. I told him that was fine. I mean it is going to happen at some point, right? I was apprehensive and eager at the same time to finally meet Miss J.
I really didn’t know what to expect. He showed me a couple selfies he took when he was dressed, but that did not prepare me for the feelings I felt or what happened.
When I got home, Miss J met me at the door. At first, I was stunned. I couldn’t even bring myself to let my eyes wander. I immediately felt like I was staring and making things uncomfortable. What do you say to her? I know I like to hear people call me beautiful and pretty, but is that what you say? I think the best I came up with was, “Wow, your hair is blonde.” (Mr. J’s hair is normally dark brown.) I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do.
Looking back on the evening, the worst part about the whole experience was how awkward we both were. It wasn’t seeing her dressed up (even though that was really…different). I didn’t know what to say and she didn’t know what to do. I felt like we were on a bad first date. Do you remember those extremely awkward middle school dates where your boyfriend comes over and you guys sit 10 feet away from each other on the couch watching TV, not saying a word? That is what I felt like. It was so hard. I just sat there wondering what happened to my boyfriend of over a year. Did we really ever have chemistry? Should we be trying to make this work? Will we ever be able to get back to where we were a month ago?
It was all very overwhelming.
When it came time to go to bed, she wanted to sleep dressed up. I don’t know why but adding the wig and makeup is a lot harder for me than seeing Mr. J in women’s clothes. I tried to just roll over and let her enjoy being dressed up, but i couldn’t hold it in anymore. I started crying. I couldn’t make it stop, I knew I was hurting Miss J’s feelings, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I forced myself to get up and go to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor with my back against the door trying to sort through my feelings. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering me most about the experience. Was it seeing her dressed? Was it the makeup? Was it the wig? Why in the world did I just start crying out of nowhere? Was I about to start my period? Geez! I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, and then it hit me.
I was worried that I had lost Mr. J completely. The night was awkward to say the least. Our conversation didn’t come easy. My presence seemed to make her nervous. Everything about the night was weird, new and unpleasant. I felt like I was going to have to start completely over with Miss J to figure out how to act in the future. It scared the hell out of me. It almost felt like I was mourning the loss of Mr. J while trying to fall in love with Miss J. How is that possible? Will I ever be able to do that?
I am still trying to sort through my feelings, but I have to say that I am extremely glad I met Miss J.
– Lady A